I love summer. I really do. Aside from its obvious charms, I love the fact that on days like today when I wake up feeling like crap, I don't have to do anything. I don't have to suck it up, slap a smile on my face and pretend like everything is okay. I don't have to ignore the shooting pain in my arms and hands or the fact that my upper back and pecs feel like they're about to start on fire. On the contrary, I can take care of myself. No class. No homework. Nothing. Just me and my pain management strategies...
I don't entirely understand it myself, but every month around this time, I get a flare up like this. I can almost pinpoint its arrival to the day. I get other smaller flare ups throughout the month, but those are solely based upon my activity level, stress, dehydration, and how much I've been playing viola. The nice thing, I guess, about those flare ups is that I can actually control my pain to some degree--stretching, heat/ice, some Advil, and as long as I take it easy, I don't feel too horrible.
These monthly flare ups are different, though. Nothing stops the pain. I spent an extra hour in bed this morning with my electric heating pad, and it felt good at the time, but as soon as I got up, the shooting electric shock sensation in my left forearm/hand returned. I took Advil: no change. Bio freeze: nice try. Ice: no luck. I can actually feel the path of my nerves because they are so irritated. Just give me a marker and I could easily trace their paths, all the way up to my neck, ribs, and shoulder blades...it radiates. Good news? This only lasts for a couple days. I mean, I usually can feel my nerves because there is always some degree of irritation, but this intense burning is just a little unbearable...
Today I plan on taking advantage of the summer. I will guitlessly lay around my house, accompanied by my heating pad, and revel in the fact that I don't have to move. Or lie whenever someone asks, "How are you?!" Or sit in an uncomfortable desk. Or whatever....
In other news, overall I am feeling much better since I've been home. My arms are still irritated easily, but my upper back hasn't been bothering nearly as much. Progress! And I'm up to 20 minutes of viola, 3 times a day.
So, despite the fact that I feel like there's a forest fire raging through my body...
I will defy.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
Day 6: I'm on "The Desperate Plan"
DISCLAIMER: The following post may cause concern that I'm turning into a crazy health freak, and that would be an accurate assumption. Please view it as a reflection of my desperateness. If this doesn't work, I'm hopeless...
Alright, here's the deal, I have a plan, it's crazy, and I don't even know if it will help, but I have to try. The plan I'm about to outline is very involved and I'm hoping that as my symptoms become more under control, I can back off a little. It would be impossible to maintain such a plan if I were not an unemployed college student on summer vacation. Ha. I have three months. It's GO TIME!
The first part of the plan consists of initiatives directly related to TOS wellness. It mostly revolves around stretching, ice, and heat. I have a 30-minute stretching/relaxation routine that I do when I wake up, before I go to bed, and one other time throughout the day. Posture training is also a big part of TOS wellness, which makes upper body strengthening crucial. Other miscellaneous things include drinking lots of water, taking vitamins, and getting a massage every week (I had one yesterday and have the bruises to prove it!)
Viola Wellness-Naturally, I have a stretching routine for warm-up/cool down before and after every time I touch my viola. Also, I heat before I play and ice afterwards. Currently, I'm only letting myself play 20-30 minutes a day while my body makes a little progress. Last week, I started playing more than that, but my body was telling me I wasn't ready. Since I have an intense 3-week chamber music institute in July, it's critical that I begin building endurance soon. Next week, I'm going to start increasing my playing time, according to a "return to play schedule" I received at a performing artists clinic in St. Paul, MN sometime last year.
The rest of my plan is based upon the idea that every function of the body directly or indirectly impacts the rest of the body. So, here begins my ridiculously healthy lifestyle:
Exercise-
- M/W/F-working out at The W (Wartburg's recreation center. I hope they can handle my Luther-ness.)
- T/Th- Yoga, walking 3-4 miles
- Weekends- some kind of physical activity. I might take up swimming or something...
- The anti-inflammatory diet: it's nothing special, really. It basically consists of eating everything that we've been told we're supposed to eat since we were little, and is based on the premise that some foods cause our bodies more inflammation than others. By eating anti-inflammatory foods, you can decrease inflammation within the body. Sign me up! My collar bones feel like they're on fire! Haha. Basically, I'll just be eating a lot of veggies, fruits, nuts, lean meat, whole-grain products, and low-fat foods. Not a lot of processed foods...oh, and no coffee... :(
Well, I think that's everything. If this doesn't help, then I don't know what will...
But again, that's why I'm on The Desperate Plan.
I will defy.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Let's try this again: Day 1
So, my first attempt back in February to diligently fight TOS failed. Within the first two weeks of Operation Defy, I quickly discovered that being a full time student does not leave sufficient time to combat an out of control case of TOS. I have been living for this moment, for summer, where my obligations are few, stress is low, and sleep is plentiful. I can just focus on taking care of myself. Phew.
About a month ago, I lost all hope. My symptoms have continued to get worse, and there is only so much pain a 19 year old with big dreams can handle before breaking down: I made it 3 ½ years. At one point back in April, I literally was on the brink of tears for a solid week. I couldn’t focus in class because I was trying not to start crying. It’s a miracle I made it through my viola lesson without losing it. ( luckily, I held myself together until after my lesson, at which point I went to lunch and cried all over my friend instead of my professor. I was proud of myself…haha) Whenever I was in my room by myself, I would start crying. I left homework unfinished and just went to bed. Sleep was escape. I was a mess…
The root of my hopelessness: I am broken, and it is looking more and more like nothing can fix me.
I think the reason this is such a touchy issue for me is its direct correlation with my life as a violist. Seriously, I really just want to play my viola, and my body has missed that memo. It’s just kind of hard to deal with sometimes, because practically every time I move, I have some physical reminder that there’s something wrong with me. Whether it’s the deep boring pain in my upper back/neck or burning in my forearms or when my hands are turning purple or my ears are ringing, etc…., every symptom makes me feel like my body is taunting, “And you think you can play viola? Haha! You’re stupid…”
Moral of the story, Operation Defy is back in full swing because I now have the time to fine tune a maintenance plan that will hopefully get my symptoms under control. It’s pretty intense and time demanding, and I’m praying it will work. More details to come… (stay tuned!)
In the meantime, Dear Body:
1.) Yes, I can play viola 2.) That’s not funny and 3.) I’m not stupid. You’re stupid.
Oh yeah, and one more thing—
4.) TOS, you and me? We’re through…YOU’RE GOING DOWN!
Who’s laughing now?
I will defy.
About a month ago, I lost all hope. My symptoms have continued to get worse, and there is only so much pain a 19 year old with big dreams can handle before breaking down: I made it 3 ½ years. At one point back in April, I literally was on the brink of tears for a solid week. I couldn’t focus in class because I was trying not to start crying. It’s a miracle I made it through my viola lesson without losing it. ( luckily, I held myself together until after my lesson, at which point I went to lunch and cried all over my friend instead of my professor. I was proud of myself…haha) Whenever I was in my room by myself, I would start crying. I left homework unfinished and just went to bed. Sleep was escape. I was a mess…
The root of my hopelessness: I am broken, and it is looking more and more like nothing can fix me.
I think the reason this is such a touchy issue for me is its direct correlation with my life as a violist. Seriously, I really just want to play my viola, and my body has missed that memo. It’s just kind of hard to deal with sometimes, because practically every time I move, I have some physical reminder that there’s something wrong with me. Whether it’s the deep boring pain in my upper back/neck or burning in my forearms or when my hands are turning purple or my ears are ringing, etc…., every symptom makes me feel like my body is taunting, “And you think you can play viola? Haha! You’re stupid…”
Moral of the story, Operation Defy is back in full swing because I now have the time to fine tune a maintenance plan that will hopefully get my symptoms under control. It’s pretty intense and time demanding, and I’m praying it will work. More details to come… (stay tuned!)
In the meantime, Dear Body:
1.) Yes, I can play viola 2.) That’s not funny and 3.) I’m not stupid. You’re stupid.
Oh yeah, and one more thing—
4.) TOS, you and me? We’re through…YOU’RE GOING DOWN!
Who’s laughing now?
I will defy.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Day 15: Prioritizing
This is hard! So far, this initiative has forced me to really carefully chose and embrace my priorities. Starting out back at the beginning of the month, my priorities for time management ranked as follows:
1.)wellness (this includes getting enough sleep, ha)
2.)viola
3.)other homework/classwork
4.)social life
This is much easier to write out on a piece of paper than it is to implement into everyday life. I find myself doing superfluous reading assignments instead of sleeping, hanging out with friends instead of doing homework, and playing viola without stretching. Urg. Prioritizing is a skill, that's for sure, and it requires a great deal of self control. I didn't follow through too well a couple days last week, but I'm back on track now. Today I accomplished all of my wellness goals with the exception of my morning stretches (I slept through my alarm. It's Monday...what can I say?) and I didn't stretch before my first practice session. But overall, that's pretty good.
I'm quite sure I'm making progress. Yesterday was the first day I had to take advil and today was the first time I've had to use a therma-care heat wrap since January. (Note: I typically use advil every other day and the heat wraps 1-2 times per week.) That's over two weeks! My right arm/shoulder/neck is especially sore though, and I'm thinking that's either because I slacked off Friday and Saturday or it's time to get a massage again. Or both.
Typically, when I've gone too long without a massage, I have throbbing pain above my right collar bone that radiates up into my neck and my right arm is more irritated than usual. And that's how I'm feeling this evening...hence the therma-care heat wrap. Tomorrow's to-do list:
I will defy.
1.)wellness (this includes getting enough sleep, ha)
2.)viola
3.)other homework/classwork
4.)social life
This is much easier to write out on a piece of paper than it is to implement into everyday life. I find myself doing superfluous reading assignments instead of sleeping, hanging out with friends instead of doing homework, and playing viola without stretching. Urg. Prioritizing is a skill, that's for sure, and it requires a great deal of self control. I didn't follow through too well a couple days last week, but I'm back on track now. Today I accomplished all of my wellness goals with the exception of my morning stretches (I slept through my alarm. It's Monday...what can I say?) and I didn't stretch before my first practice session. But overall, that's pretty good.
I'm quite sure I'm making progress. Yesterday was the first day I had to take advil and today was the first time I've had to use a therma-care heat wrap since January. (Note: I typically use advil every other day and the heat wraps 1-2 times per week.) That's over two weeks! My right arm/shoulder/neck is especially sore though, and I'm thinking that's either because I slacked off Friday and Saturday or it's time to get a massage again. Or both.
Typically, when I've gone too long without a massage, I have throbbing pain above my right collar bone that radiates up into my neck and my right arm is more irritated than usual. And that's how I'm feeling this evening...hence the therma-care heat wrap. Tomorrow's to-do list:
- schedule massage
I will defy.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Day 6: I'm in repair
Sometimes, Pandora Radio is either providential or just ironic; I cannot decide. For instance, several days ago, I was in my dorm room doing my afternoon stretches, and a song by John Mayer came up on my station of choice, titled "I'm in Repair." Perhaps you have heard it before. There was one phrase that seemed especially pertinent:
I'm in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there.
Do you blame me for chuckling? It just struck me as being rather ironic. While it's hard to know if I am in fact "in repair" or on my way to being "together," I'd certainly like to think so. That's what I'm telling myself in this stage of my TOS journey. I think as soon as you deny that you're making progress, you're resigning yourself to failure. So, as far as I'm concerned, I am in repair.
It didn't take long to realize how hard this was going to be, seeing as I managed to sleep through my morning stretching right away on Day 1. As a busy college student who is usually running low on sleep anyway, getting out of bed in the morning any earlier than I absolutely have to is definitely a challenge. Needless to say, waking up 40 minutes early do to a variety of stretches and exercises has not been going so well. I have only been successful 2 days thus far, and now whenever my alarm goes of disgustingly early at 6 a.m., I ask myself, very seriously, the following question: "Do you want to sleep or do you want to play viola?" When I put it in that perspective, it makes it easier to get up.
So, moral of the story, I need to work on being more disciplined. So far, the only box on my checklist that I've successfully crossed off everyday is for taking my B vitamins (which supposedly is good for my nervous system). Try not to be too impressed. :P Whenever I don't feel like stretching or sitting up straight or whatever I'm supposed to be doing, I just need to remind myself why I'm doing this and what is at stake. My Viola.
I'm in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there.
Gee, looks like it's time to stretch again. Ha. :)
I will defy.
I'm in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there.
Do you blame me for chuckling? It just struck me as being rather ironic. While it's hard to know if I am in fact "in repair" or on my way to being "together," I'd certainly like to think so. That's what I'm telling myself in this stage of my TOS journey. I think as soon as you deny that you're making progress, you're resigning yourself to failure. So, as far as I'm concerned, I am in repair.
It didn't take long to realize how hard this was going to be, seeing as I managed to sleep through my morning stretching right away on Day 1. As a busy college student who is usually running low on sleep anyway, getting out of bed in the morning any earlier than I absolutely have to is definitely a challenge. Needless to say, waking up 40 minutes early do to a variety of stretches and exercises has not been going so well. I have only been successful 2 days thus far, and now whenever my alarm goes of disgustingly early at 6 a.m., I ask myself, very seriously, the following question: "Do you want to sleep or do you want to play viola?" When I put it in that perspective, it makes it easier to get up.
So, moral of the story, I need to work on being more disciplined. So far, the only box on my checklist that I've successfully crossed off everyday is for taking my B vitamins (which supposedly is good for my nervous system). Try not to be too impressed. :P Whenever I don't feel like stretching or sitting up straight or whatever I'm supposed to be doing, I just need to remind myself why I'm doing this and what is at stake. My Viola.
I'm in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there.
Gee, looks like it's time to stretch again. Ha. :)
I will defy.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Day 1: Time to Get Serious
I am embarking on a journey, and I'm hopeful that it will be one of healing and progress. "Operation Defy" is simply my whole-hearted and extremely intentional effort to combat my physical limitations so that I will be able to pursue my passion for playing viola with all of my heart...and then some. It's not going to be easy, and thus I'm using this blog as a source of accountability so that I stay consistent and dedicated to my plan. I hope you'll join me for this adventure, and hey, you might even learn something along the way. :)
Here's my story--
I have a confession: Most of the time, I feel like I'm falling apart.
I suffer from what is known as Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, one of the most complicated repetitive stress injuries out there. Keeping it simple, TOS is the compression of the nerves, arteries, and veins of the arm as they run through the thoracic outlet, the area between the collar bone and first rib. This produces a wide variety of symptoms. For example, on my worst days, not only do I experience intense burning in my hands, arms, shoulders and neck, but ringing in my ears and jaw pain are not uncommon. This syndrome is difficult to diagnose because its symptoms mirror many other RSIs. I have had symptoms for over 3 years now, but it took 2 years to figure out what actually was wrong. While it's really hard to say how far my case will progress, one thing is for sure; it's not going away.
Last week was a breaking point. Even though I managed to survive my first semester as a music major without any major setbacks, the past month and a half I have been noticing a significant increase in symptoms. While there are numerous things that could account for this, I've narrowed it down to three. 1.)The rigorous Christmas at Luther rehearsal/performance schedule at the beginning of December, 2.)Having 90 minutes of symphony rehearsal every day over J-Term, and 3.)The fact that by November, I had gotten pretty relaxed about stretching and other exercises that I'm supposed to do, making me more vulnerable to intense activity such as Christmas at Luther. So essentially, I let my guard down.
As I said, last week was a breaking point, as that is when I fully came to terms with the fact that I had lost control of my symptoms. I cried. A lot. And I reevaluated my situation. Coming to the conclusion that I could either give up or fight, I chose to fight, realizing that I would have to be just as dedicated to my treatment as I am to my study of viola. It's time to get serious.
Here's my story--
I have a confession: Most of the time, I feel like I'm falling apart.
I suffer from what is known as Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, one of the most complicated repetitive stress injuries out there. Keeping it simple, TOS is the compression of the nerves, arteries, and veins of the arm as they run through the thoracic outlet, the area between the collar bone and first rib. This produces a wide variety of symptoms. For example, on my worst days, not only do I experience intense burning in my hands, arms, shoulders and neck, but ringing in my ears and jaw pain are not uncommon. This syndrome is difficult to diagnose because its symptoms mirror many other RSIs. I have had symptoms for over 3 years now, but it took 2 years to figure out what actually was wrong. While it's really hard to say how far my case will progress, one thing is for sure; it's not going away.
Last week was a breaking point. Even though I managed to survive my first semester as a music major without any major setbacks, the past month and a half I have been noticing a significant increase in symptoms. While there are numerous things that could account for this, I've narrowed it down to three. 1.)The rigorous Christmas at Luther rehearsal/performance schedule at the beginning of December, 2.)Having 90 minutes of symphony rehearsal every day over J-Term, and 3.)The fact that by November, I had gotten pretty relaxed about stretching and other exercises that I'm supposed to do, making me more vulnerable to intense activity such as Christmas at Luther. So essentially, I let my guard down.
As I said, last week was a breaking point, as that is when I fully came to terms with the fact that I had lost control of my symptoms. I cried. A lot. And I reevaluated my situation. Coming to the conclusion that I could either give up or fight, I chose to fight, realizing that I would have to be just as dedicated to my treatment as I am to my study of viola. It's time to get serious.
Fighting TOS really is a 24 hour job. Stretching, posture training, lots of water, vitamins, exercise, strength training, breathing exercises, more stretching, and stretching<--All this and more in Day 1 of Operation Defy! I sure hope this works...
Thank you for your support!
I will defy.
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