Balancing Act

"The middle of two extremes is always where balance is found!"

--What Every Violinist Needs to Know about the Body,

Jennifer Johnson

I have a new brilliant practicing philosophy: If it hurts, if I'm tense or if it's out of tune, I'm playing too fast. I suppose this is common sense, but sometimes, these perfectly simple, well-of-course, 'I knew that', no duh moments in life are the most significant revelations. So, I'm practicing slow and giving my metronome a workout of Olympic proportions. Going for the gold...

When attempting to integrate a relaxed and free approach to viola playing, slow practice is really your only hope. It's impossible to focus on how you're moving if all of your energy and effort are consumed by a difficult run. If you learn a passage with tension, that rigidity has become part of your technique for mastering the passage work, which just perpetuates habits of unhealthy movement. Nobody wants this; people do it anyway. The problem is that it's easy to focus on the end product without thinking or worrying about how it's being accomplished.

But I'm leaving that all behind, bidding farewell to tension, moving on to a bigger and better thing known as BALANCE. I've been searching for it all summer. It's somewhere between a rigid posture and a relaxed slump, it's grounded but not fixed, it's supported but not static, it's efficient and it works marvelously with gravity. I'm still trying to figure it out, but I'm making progress. My biggest challenge right now is figuring out how to deal with the intrinsic muscular and structural imbalance created by scoliosis. Someday I will have answers. Or maybe just more questions. We will see.

Anyway, another trick I learned at the Tuttle workshop is to keep a check list of physical objectives visible on your stand while you're practicing, just to remind your brain that you're not just trying to play the right notes. After you have a list, play

through a passage focusing on one objective at a time. Then, after you've done each individually, start

adding them all together until you can play the passage incorporating all of the items on the list--and then you can notch your metronome 5 clicks faster and do it again! If you're practicing slow enough, you can almost ignore what you're playing and just focus on your ribs or breathing or whatever you're working on.

Eventually, it will all come together musically and physically at the final tempo, far superior to any result of the alternative approach of tension, discomfort and frustration. And there's a better chance you won't end up with carpel tunnel. It's all a balancing act!

Take home message: Don't ignore your body. It's uncomfortable for a reason. Take the time to create healthy habits and work on developing kinesthetic awareness. It doesn't matter if you're a musician. If you're human and you're reading this, make it a mission to find balance. Someday, your body will thank you.

I will defy (gravity).

Coordination Workshop: The Art of Movement

"It should feel delicious!"

--Karen Tuttle

A week ago at this time, I was sitting in the recital hall at Oberlin Conservatory, surrounded by 40-some fellow violists, watching Kim Kashkashian give a masterclass that was truly inspiring and a little mind-blowing. This final class brought the Karen Tuttle Coordination Workshop to a close, marking the end of an incredible weekend exploring the physical and emotional connections necessary for projecting musical ideas.

Karen Tuttle was one of the great viola pedagogues of the past century, teaching at notable institutions such as Curtis, Julliard, and Peabody, and she developed a distinct philosophy which she eventually termed Coordination. These principles are based on the sole premise that if something doesn't feel good, you're doing it wrong. Studying with William Primrose, Tuttle admired his free approach to the viola and would sit and observe his practice, allowed to poke and feel what he was doing--he often claimed that she knew more about his playing than he did!

If you look in a dictionary, coordination is defined as a state or relation of harmonious adjustment or functioning. The applications to viola playing are numerous and complex. At the end of the introductory group class on the first day, one of the faculty members remarked, "I'm sure you're all thinking: Is it this complicated to be natural?!" Essentially, the goal is to approach the instrument as organically as possible. If you understand how your body was made to move, it changes how you play viola. If you approach the instrument with a natural sense of balance, tension, and release, you are going to be much more free.

Oftentimes, when we are doing something, we grip or hold muscles, preventing our bodies from natural movements that occur in a balanced body. I'd say this couldn't be truer when playing an instrument. Several faculty members referenced the following concept: Pretend like you're punching someone. The natural motion of throwing your arm forward makes your head go back. Tuttle believed this should be incorporated during down bows with a neck release. Basically, in order to remained balanced, every motion has an opposite response somewhere in the body, and it's crucial that we let those releases occur if we want to remain free of tension--whether you're playing viola or doing something as simple as walking.

A natural physical approach to the instrument ultimately serves to project emotion. As Kashkashian described, "As musicians, we are living through the emotions produced by our instrument. The instrument expresses emotion, not the body. When we want an intense sound, that's when we need to release the body. The physical response has to relate to the tension at the contact point. Relate to your tools."

This workshop was immensely helpful for me. For the first time, I believe that playing doesn't have to hurt, and that it is even possible for it to feel good! I know that pain and discomfort will be something I always struggle with, but there will moments of freedom. The most helpful feedback I received was that I need to work on grounding myself. I'm still exploring what this means, but it has to do with having more supple knees and sending energy into the floor, rather than having everything rise to the chest. We feel anxiety in our chests, so it is not a reliable source of power. It's better to be grounded in your legs and get power from your lower body. Added bonus: more active legs facilitate a released back!

This is only a taste of the many wonderful things I learned last weekend--I'll continue to share in posts to come! To conclude, Kashkashian aptly summarized the heart of the weekend: "Coordination is about so much more than playing viola. It's about how you drive your car. It's about how you relate to other people. It's about finding your natural power. It is deeply healthy and deeply passionate; a very rewarding pursuit."

I will defy.

Begin again

4 1/2 years of pain and searching have been culminating for this moment.

Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

I have what seems like an army behind me, an armed troop full of physical and occupational therapists, massage therapists, a Rolfer versed in the Feldenkrais method, body mappers, Alexander Technique instructors, a dynamite yoga teacher, an assortment of knowledgeable physicians, a dedicated and encouraging viola professor and various other musicians who have overcome physical battles of their own. Everyone has been rooting for me, everyone gives me reason to hope, but no one, not one of these qualified mentors, has ever said it would be easy. All of them have contributed a piece to the puzzle, and now, as all the hard-earned pieces begin to fall into place, I wonder how many pieces are still missing. Did the dog eat one? I worry.

Whatever the case, the puzzle is beginning to take shape. Before I share these developments, however, I would like to give a short overview of the past year. By the end of last summer, I saw noticeable improvement but it was only temporary, as the rigors of school brought me back to pre-summer pain levels and beyond, with an added symptom: hand tremors. This started in late November and continued to worsen as time went on--definitely concerning. Then, my orchestra spent the month of January in Vienna, the perfect dream. However, the plane ride almost killed me. About 5 hours into our flight, surrounded by my fellow 80-some symphony members, my back was burning and every breath brought a jolt of pain, shooting all around my collar bones. NOT. OKAY. It was then, 30,000 miles above the ocean, bound for Munich, that I decided something needed to change, drastically, even if that meant having surgery. After checking in with my orthopedic specialist following our return, I decided that I would give myself another year, and if I hadn't found any improvement, I would have surgery to correct my scoliosis or find a new dream. Or both. The clock is ticking.

The past 4 months have been pivotal and I am once again hopeful. Here are the recent key pieces to the puzzle:

1.) Iyengar Yoga: This kind of yoga practice is great for anyone who is limited physically. Through the use of props, Iyengar instructors make poses more accessible to students who do not have the strength and flexibility required or are injured. Lucky me, one (out of two) Iyengar instructors in the grand state of Iowa is located in Decorah. And she's wonderful. And tough. Yoga is all about finding symmetry in asymmetrical positions--which pretty much describes my life as not only a string player, but also as a scoliosis patient. I can hear my teacher: Angela, your collar bones do not have scoliosis! Make them even. She tells me it is possible to retrain my muscles that are distorted--overstreched or understretched-- by my curvature. And echoing many in my army, she said that this is no quick fix; it's a lifestyle I need to develop. So, I'm continuing to do yoga every day....for the rest of my life.

2.) Rolfing: I believe in Rolfing! This is a bodywork method that works with deep connective tissues in efforts to align the body properly. It can be very intense. I started seeing a Rolfer down in Iowa City over spring break, and that is when I really started to notice some positive changes. I mean, I have collar bones now! You can actually see them--it's funny when you notice something you haven't noticed that you probably should have noticed. (That was supposed to be confusing). Yoga and Rolfing really work hand in hand, as the both share they common goal of alignment. Now that summer has arrived, I will get to see my Rolfer on a regular basis and cannot wait to see what progress will be made.

3.) Dr. Shivapour, MD, Neurology: Picture a straight-talking, spunky Indian man who is not afraid to use the term "bullshit" in a medical setting. I just had an appointment with Dr. Shivapour on Monday, and he was far and away the most helpful doctor I have seen in a long time. He confirmed that I have clinical neurogenic thoracic outlet syndrome, and was very clear that I need to be very active in adapting my lifestyle, especially if I want to be a musician. "You can fool everyone else in the world, but you cannot fool yourself," he told me. Also, among my favorite quotes from the appointment, "You're a musician! You're going to starve before your arms are an issue!" While this was said jokingly, he did encourage me to think realistically about my future, and that having a back up plan would be wise because the music industry moves quickly and cannot always accommodate injuries. He bluntly said that my nerves are irritated, and they will continue to be so as long as I play viola. "If you have pink eye, you don't sit there and rub your eyes! No! that's not going to make it better." He was very honest, blatantly so, but he gave me a very quick list of things I need to do and look in to. (i.e. I need to ditch the flip flops because they are "terrible") He finally said, toward the end, that he was honest because "you need to know these things. You are like my daughter. I want you to know everything you should know because then you cannot say that you did not know." I'm going back in a week for a nerve conduction test to see what kind of damage has occurred, and the we'll go from there!

Here is another chance to begin again.

I will defy.

Day 14: Oh my! Fighting a Forest Fire

I love summer. I really do. Aside from its obvious charms, I love the fact that on days like today when I wake up feeling like crap, I don't have to do anything. I don't have to suck it up, slap a smile on my face and pretend like everything is okay. I don't have to ignore the shooting pain in my arms and hands or the fact that my upper back and pecs feel like they're about to start on fire. On the contrary, I can take care of myself. No class. No homework. Nothing. Just me and my pain management strategies...

I don't entirely understand it myself, but every month around this time, I get a flare up like this. I can almost pinpoint its arrival to the day. I get other smaller flare ups throughout the month, but those are solely based upon my activity level, stress, dehydration, and how much I've been playing viola. The nice thing, I guess, about those flare ups is that I can actually control my pain to some degree--stretching, heat/ice, some Advil, and as long as I take it easy, I don't feel too horrible.

These monthly flare ups are different, though. Nothing stops the pain. I spent an extra hour in bed this morning with my electric heating pad, and it felt good at the time, but as soon as I got up, the shooting electric shock sensation in my left forearm/hand returned. I took Advil: no change. Bio freeze: nice try. Ice: no luck. I can actually feel the path of my nerves because they are so irritated. Just give me a marker and I could easily trace their paths, all the way up to my neck, ribs, and shoulder blades...it radiates. Good news? This only lasts for a couple days. I mean, I usually can feel my nerves because there is always some degree of irritation, but this intense burning is just a little unbearable...

Today I plan on taking advantage of the summer. I will guitlessly lay around my house, accompanied by my heating pad, and revel in the fact that I don't have to move. Or lie whenever someone asks, "How are you?!" Or sit in an uncomfortable desk. Or whatever....

In other news, overall I am feeling much better since I've been home. My arms are still irritated easily, but my upper back hasn't been bothering nearly as much. Progress! And I'm up to 20 minutes of viola, 3 times a day.

So, despite the fact that I feel like there's a forest fire raging through my body...

I will defy.

Day 6: I'm on "The Desperate Plan"

DISCLAIMER: The following post may cause concern that I'm turning into a crazy health freak, and that would be an accurate assumption. Please view it as a reflection of my desperateness. If this doesn't work, I'm hopeless...

Alright, here's the deal, I have a plan, it's crazy, and I don't even know if it will help, but I have to try. The plan I'm about to outline is very involved and I'm hoping that as my symptoms become more under control, I can back off a little. It would be impossible to maintain such a plan if I were not an unemployed college student on summer vacation. Ha. I have three months. It's GO TIME!

The first part of the plan consists of initiatives directly related to TOS wellness. It mostly revolves around stretching, ice, and heat. I have a 30-minute stretching/relaxation routine that I do when I wake up, before I go to bed, and one other time throughout the day. Posture training is also a big part of TOS wellness, which makes upper body strengthening crucial. Other miscellaneous things include drinking lots of water, taking vitamins, and getting a massage every week (I had one yesterday and have the bruises to prove it!)

Viola Wellness-Naturally, I have a stretching routine for warm-up/cool down before and after every time I touch my viola. Also, I heat before I play and ice afterwards. Currently, I'm only letting myself play 20-30 minutes a day while my body makes a little progress. Last week, I started playing more than that, but my body was telling me I wasn't ready. Since I have an intense 3-week chamber music institute in July, it's critical that I begin building endurance soon. Next week, I'm going to start increasing my playing time, according to a "return to play schedule" I received at a performing artists clinic in St. Paul, MN sometime last year.

The rest of my plan is based upon the idea that every function of the body directly or indirectly impacts the rest of the body. So, here begins my ridiculously healthy lifestyle:

Exercise-

• M/W/F-working out at The W (Wartburg's recreation center. I hope they can handle my Luther-ness.)
• T/Th- Yoga, walking 3-4 miles
• Weekends- some kind of physical activity. I might take up swimming or something...

Diet-

• The anti-inflammatory diet: it's nothing special, really. It basically consists of eating everything that we've been told we're supposed to eat since we were little, and is based on the premise that some foods cause our bodies more inflammation than others. By eating anti-inflammatory foods, you can decrease inflammation within the body. Sign me up! My collar bones feel like they're on fire! Haha. Basically, I'll just be eating a lot of veggies, fruits, nuts, lean meat, whole-grain products, and low-fat foods. Not a lot of processed foods...oh, and no coffee... :(

Well, I think that's everything. If this doesn't help, then I don't know what will...

But again, that's why I'm on The Desperate Plan.

I will defy.

Let's try this again: Day 1

So, my first attempt back in February to diligently fight TOS failed. Within the first two weeks of Operation Defy, I quickly discovered that being a full time student does not leave sufficient time to combat an out of control case of TOS. I have been living for this moment, for summer, where my obligations are few, stress is low, and sleep is plentiful. I can just focus on taking care of myself. Phew.

About a month ago, I lost all hope. My symptoms have continued to get worse, and there is only so much pain a 19 year old with big dreams can handle before breaking down: I made it 3 ½ years. At one point back in April, I literally was on the brink of tears for a solid week. I couldn’t focus in class because I was trying not to start crying. It’s a miracle I made it through my viola lesson without losing it. ( luckily, I held myself together until after my lesson, at which point I went to lunch and cried all over my friend instead of my professor. I was proud of myself…haha) Whenever I was in my room by myself, I would start crying. I left homework unfinished and just went to bed. Sleep was escape. I was a mess…

The root of my hopelessness: I am broken, and it is looking more and more like nothing can fix me.

I think the reason this is such a touchy issue for me is its direct correlation with my life as a violist. Seriously, I really just want to play my viola, and my body has missed that memo. It’s just kind of hard to deal with sometimes, because practically every time I move, I have some physical reminder that there’s something wrong with me. Whether it’s the deep boring pain in my upper back/neck or burning in my forearms or when my hands are turning purple or my ears are ringing, etc…., every symptom makes me feel like my body is taunting, “And you think you can play viola? Haha! You’re stupid…”

Moral of the story, Operation Defy is back in full swing because I now have the time to fine tune a maintenance plan that will hopefully get my symptoms under control. It’s pretty intense and time demanding, and I’m praying it will work. More details to come… (stay tuned!)

In the meantime, Dear Body:

1.) Yes, I can play viola 2.) That’s not funny and 3.) I’m not stupid. You’re stupid.

Oh yeah, and one more thing—

4.) TOS, you and me? We’re through…YOU’RE GOING DOWN!

Who’s laughing now?

I will defy.

Day 15: Prioritizing

This is hard! So far, this initiative has forced me to really carefully chose and embrace my priorities. Starting out back at the beginning of the month, my priorities for time management ranked as follows:

1.)wellness (this includes getting enough sleep, ha)
2.)viola
3.)other homework/classwork
4.)social life

This is much easier to write out on a piece of paper than it is to implement into everyday life. I find myself doing superfluous reading assignments instead of sleeping, hanging out with friends instead of doing homework, and playing viola without stretching. Urg. Prioritizing is a skill, that's for sure, and it requires a great deal of self control. I didn't follow through too well a couple days last week, but I'm back on track now. Today I accomplished all of my wellness goals with the exception of my morning stretches (I slept through my alarm. It's Monday...what can I say?) and I didn't stretch before my first practice session. But overall, that's pretty good.

I'm quite sure I'm making progress. Yesterday was the first day I had to take advil and today was the first time I've had to use a therma-care heat wrap since January. (Note: I typically use advil every other day and the heat wraps 1-2 times per week.) That's over two weeks! My right arm/shoulder/neck is especially sore though, and I'm thinking that's either because I slacked off Friday and Saturday or it's time to get a massage again. Or both.

Typically, when I've gone too long without a massage, I have throbbing pain above my right collar bone that radiates up into my neck and my right arm is more irritated than usual. And that's how I'm feeling this evening...hence the therma-care heat wrap. Tomorrow's to-do list:

• schedule massage

That's a must.

I will defy.