Begin again

4 1/2 years of pain and searching have been culminating for this moment.

Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

I have what seems like an army behind me, an armed troop full of physical and occupational therapists, massage therapists, a Rolfer versed in the Feldenkrais method, body mappers, Alexander Technique instructors, a dynamite yoga teacher, an assortment of knowledgeable physicians, a dedicated and encouraging viola professor and various other musicians who have overcome physical battles of their own. Everyone has been rooting for me, everyone gives me reason to hope, but no one, not one of these qualified mentors, has ever said it would be easy. All of them have contributed a piece to the puzzle, and now, as all the hard-earned pieces begin to fall into place, I wonder how many pieces are still missing. Did the dog eat one? I worry.

Whatever the case, the puzzle is beginning to take shape. Before I share these developments, however, I would like to give a short overview of the past year. By the end of last summer, I saw noticeable improvement but it was only temporary, as the rigors of school brought me back to pre-summer pain levels and beyond, with an added symptom: hand tremors. This started in late November and continued to worsen as time went on--definitely concerning. Then, my orchestra spent the month of January in Vienna, the perfect dream. However, the plane ride almost killed me. About 5 hours into our flight, surrounded by my fellow 80-some symphony members, my back was burning and every breath brought a jolt of pain, shooting all around my collar bones. NOT. OKAY. It was then, 30,000 miles above the ocean, bound for Munich, that I decided something needed to change, drastically, even if that meant having surgery. After checking in with my orthopedic specialist following our return, I decided that I would give myself another year, and if I hadn't found any improvement, I would have surgery to correct my scoliosis or find a new dream. Or both. The clock is ticking.

The past 4 months have been pivotal and I am once again hopeful. Here are the recent key pieces to the puzzle:

1.) Iyengar Yoga: This kind of yoga practice is great for anyone who is limited physically. Through the use of props, Iyengar instructors make poses more accessible to students who do not have the strength and flexibility required or are injured. Lucky me, one (out of two) Iyengar instructors in the grand state of Iowa is located in Decorah. And she's wonderful. And tough. Yoga is all about finding symmetry in asymmetrical positions--which pretty much describes my life as not only a string player, but also as a scoliosis patient. I can hear my teacher: Angela, your collar bones do not have scoliosis! Make them even. She tells me it is possible to retrain my muscles that are distorted--overstreched or understretched-- by my curvature. And echoing many in my army, she said that this is no quick fix; it's a lifestyle I need to develop. So, I'm continuing to do yoga every day....for the rest of my life.

2.) Rolfing: I believe in Rolfing! This is a bodywork method that works with deep connective tissues in efforts to align the body properly. It can be very intense. I started seeing a Rolfer down in Iowa City over spring break, and that is when I really started to notice some positive changes. I mean, I have collar bones now! You can actually see them--it's funny when you notice something you haven't noticed that you probably should have noticed. (That was supposed to be confusing). Yoga and Rolfing really work hand in hand, as the both share they common goal of alignment. Now that summer has arrived, I will get to see my Rolfer on a regular basis and cannot wait to see what progress will be made.

3.) Dr. Shivapour, MD, Neurology: Picture a straight-talking, spunky Indian man who is not afraid to use the term "bullshit" in a medical setting. I just had an appointment with Dr. Shivapour on Monday, and he was far and away the most helpful doctor I have seen in a long time. He confirmed that I have clinical neurogenic thoracic outlet syndrome, and was very clear that I need to be very active in adapting my lifestyle, especially if I want to be a musician. "You can fool everyone else in the world, but you cannot fool yourself," he told me. Also, among my favorite quotes from the appointment, "You're a musician! You're going to starve before your arms are an issue!" While this was said jokingly, he did encourage me to think realistically about my future, and that having a back up plan would be wise because the music industry moves quickly and cannot always accommodate injuries. He bluntly said that my nerves are irritated, and they will continue to be so as long as I play viola. "If you have pink eye, you don't sit there and rub your eyes! No! that's not going to make it better." He was very honest, blatantly so, but he gave me a very quick list of things I need to do and look in to. (i.e. I need to ditch the flip flops because they are "terrible") He finally said, toward the end, that he was honest because "you need to know these things. You are like my daughter. I want you to know everything you should know because then you cannot say that you did not know." I'm going back in a week for a nerve conduction test to see what kind of damage has occurred, and the we'll go from there!

Here is another chance to begin again.

I will defy.