Let's try this again: Day 1

So, my first attempt back in February to diligently fight TOS failed. Within the first two weeks of Operation Defy, I quickly discovered that being a full time student does not leave sufficient time to combat an out of control case of TOS. I have been living for this moment, for summer, where my obligations are few, stress is low, and sleep is plentiful. I can just focus on taking care of myself. Phew.

About a month ago, I lost all hope. My symptoms have continued to get worse, and there is only so much pain a 19 year old with big dreams can handle before breaking down: I made it 3 ½ years. At one point back in April, I literally was on the brink of tears for a solid week. I couldn’t focus in class because I was trying not to start crying. It’s a miracle I made it through my viola lesson without losing it. ( luckily, I held myself together until after my lesson, at which point I went to lunch and cried all over my friend instead of my professor. I was proud of myself…haha) Whenever I was in my room by myself, I would start crying. I left homework unfinished and just went to bed. Sleep was escape. I was a mess…

The root of my hopelessness: I am broken, and it is looking more and more like nothing can fix me.

I think the reason this is such a touchy issue for me is its direct correlation with my life as a violist. Seriously, I really just want to play my viola, and my body has missed that memo. It’s just kind of hard to deal with sometimes, because practically every time I move, I have some physical reminder that there’s something wrong with me. Whether it’s the deep boring pain in my upper back/neck or burning in my forearms or when my hands are turning purple or my ears are ringing, etc…., every symptom makes me feel like my body is taunting, “And you think you can play viola? Haha! You’re stupid…”

Moral of the story, Operation Defy is back in full swing because I now have the time to fine tune a maintenance plan that will hopefully get my symptoms under control. It’s pretty intense and time demanding, and I’m praying it will work. More details to come… (stay tuned!)

In the meantime, Dear Body:

1.) Yes, I can play viola 2.) That’s not funny and 3.) I’m not stupid. You’re stupid.

Oh yeah, and one more thing—

4.) TOS, you and me? We’re through…YOU’RE GOING DOWN!

Who’s laughing now?

I will defy.